Jonny

One of the many things the website offers its subscribers is the possibility of narrowing down your search criteria.  There are a number of ways you can do this, ranging from height, age or smoker, right up to more obscure things like ‘style’ (whatever that means) and how romantic someone is (options include ‘very’ or ‘not very’).  Now, as you can see from my list, I know what I am looking for, even if I can’t find it anywhere.  However, I have no idea what type of ‘style’ I am looking for in a man, nor indeed what my own ‘style’ is. My wardrobe consists of clothes which fit me now, clothes that used to fit me and hopefully will again in the future, and clothes that used to fit me and hopefully never will again.  The style of said clothes is a mystery to me, so I shall see what suggestions are on offer on the website:

·       Sophisticated. I regularly wear jeans to work but am most comfortable in jogging bottoms, so probably not that sophisticated.

·       Classical.  Not sure what they mean by this.  I play the harp (sort of), which is a classical instrument, but not sure that’s what they’re referring to.

·       Trendy.  Good Lord, no.

·       Business.  I own a suit, but it’s in the ‘aspirational/thin’ section of my wardrobe and has therefore not been worn for a number of years.

·       Cool. Ummmmmmmm……

·       Sporty.  When I go running, I wear running gear.  But not when I’m not running. If you see what I mean.  Maybe I should wear my running stuff more often.  Then I could have a ‘sporty style’.  That might be nice…

·       Rock.  I went through a Rock phase at Uni.  My favourite outfit was an indecently short, red mini skirt with a chain across it, and a black and red Slipknot t-shirt.  I looked awesome!

·       Other.  Oh yes! This is me.  Style unknown.  Excellent.  My style is officially ‘other’.

Whilst I am relieved to have discovered my style, there is, unfortunately, much more to follow.  At least the ‘romantic’ options are more straight forward – yes or no.  I couldn’t tell you how romantic I am, if at all, although I do quite like the idea of someone being romantic with me.  A bit of romance would be nice.  Not that annoying, ‘you’re making me want to puke’, kind of romantic though – you know what I mean.  Just thoughtful romantic.  Chivalrous is perhaps a better word. Basically a guy who will treat me right, buy me a birthday present which reflects some level of thought - not a frilly pink china doll from one of those tacky tourist shops (yes, he really did), or, for that matter, nothing at all because, and I quote, ‘I didn’t know what you wanted’.   I am definitely looking for someone romantic, but I don’t think I am romantic myself.  Does that work, or do we both have to be romantic? Do romantic men want romantic women? I’m sure I can pretend to be romantic – it can’t be that hard.

There are plenty of men interested in my profile, so much so that I’m beginning to think I might actually be attractive to the opposite sex.  This is a new concept but I can already tell you for certain that I like it.  One message is from a guy called Jonny (an unfortunate name which my brain always associates with condoms).  He hasn’t put a picture up which is annoying.  Maybe he’s famous but wants a woman to love him for himself rather than his fame and fortune, or he works for MI5 as a 007 style agent so can’t have his picture on these websites.  Then again, perhaps he has some serious disfigurement, or he could be a serial killer….hmmmm. Should I perhaps just avoid this one? I open his message, just to see what he has to say. 

‘You have a stunning smile’.

Aww, that’s sweet.  Of course, I can’t return the compliment as he hasn’t bothered posting a photo of himself, or even, it turns out, given much detail about himself on his profile page.  Perhaps he believes that mystery and intrigue will help him out.  His profile page does tell me two things though.

1.     He is 34 years old.

2.     He is 5ft6ins.

I reply to his message:

‘Hi Jonny, thanks for the compliment, but are you really 5ft6 coz I’m 6ft!’

He replies straight away:

‘Oops, sorry about that – I didn’t read your profile.  Just saw your picture. Yeah, I’m really 5ft6.  Sorry to bother you.  That would be ridiculous! You’re a giant!’

At this point, I decide to start being more myself – I definitely won’t be dating Jonny, so it doesn’t really matter.  I may as well have some fun along the way.

‘So I’m a giant now am I? Thanks very much, short arse! (emoji sticking it’s tongue out)’

‘Short arse? That’s a bit rude isn’t it? (laughing emoji)’

‘You shouldn’t have called me a giant if you can’t take the heat!’

‘Oh, I can take the heat. I hope you can take what you give though! (Winking emoji)’

‘No probs there!’

‘(laughing emoji) So how have you found Match so far?’

‘Well, this is only day 3 for me, but so far it’s been interesting. You?’

‘Yeah, I can imagine that! I just had to block a woman who kept saying she wanted me to eat her custard cream!’

Wow. That’s my experience just paled in comparison! Thankfully I can’t compete with that.  Jonny and I message back and forth all night.  I guess because I know that nothing will come of it, I can be more myself.  I’m not nervous or anything when we text.  It’s really easy talking to him.  When I announce it’s past my bedtime, he replies:

‘Yeah, me too.  Is it ok to text you in the morning?’

Nobody has ever asked my permission to message me again.  It makes me feel special.  Wanted.  Respected.  He’s not assuming that just because we chatted tonight, he can chat to me forever, although frankly that would be fine by me – he’s much more fun than the other guys I’ve been contacted by thus far. 

It’s the morning and I hear my phone ‘ping’ to announce the arrival of Jonny’s morning greeting:

‘Good morning.  How are you?’

Good God, why isn’t this guy taller? I mean, you do realise, reader, that in order for him to send me this message, he has to actually have been thinking about me when he woke up, as in, without prompting by me, or seeing me or anything, totally off his own back, this guy has been thinking about me and wanted to message me.  The only other man in the world to have done that before is my ex, but he demanded an immediate response for his trouble – or else.  This feels different.  I don’t feel like Jonny will be angry if he doesn’t get an instant reply, but I’m so excited that I message him back straight away.  We end up chatting via text for most of the day.  All of a sudden, there is someone in the world who knows all about my day at work.  In detail. He knows how my daughter was this morning, that I was almost late for work but the traffic was better than usual so I made it in on time, just.  He knows what I had for breakfast, how annoying my last class was, why I spent my lunchtime buying cake and biscuits at Aldi (for a pupil’s birthday).  I’ve never had this before.  I’ve never had anyone interested enough in my day to ask me about it, or not in so much detail anyway.  It feels good to get this much attention from a guy.

After a few days, my daughter begins to notice how much time I’m suddenly spending on my phone.  Tonight, it has been pinging on and off all evening, and I have been glued to it.  I feel really guilty, as I ought to be spending time engaging with my child in a quality way, but instead I’m messaging Jonny who keeps making me laugh out loud, which my daughter definitely doesn’t appreciate.  I’m desperate to get her to bed so I no longer have her constantly distracting me with her chat.  I know.  I am literally the worst mother in the world, but I can’t help myself – I am completely addicted to my phone right now. 

I’ve finally got her to bed and Jonny announces that he has something to tell me.  His name is not Jonny. Obviously, I take the opportunity to wind him up mercilessly, and he promises to make it up to me.  All of a sudden, I find myself flirting with him.  I hadn’t planned on it, but I’m feeling pretty confident about myself thanks to Jonny (to be known as Connor, henceforth).  Somehow, he makes me feel safe and relaxed, even though we’ve never even spoken yet.  How is this possible?